london

Of course, in many ways I miss London. I miss London for its bad weather, I miss London for Fortnum & Mason's and Oxford Circus but most of all, I miss the feeling like a small fish in a big pond in London because only then do I feel like I have the motivation to aim for the sky.

something i wrote three years ago.

introspect
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler...

Today, of all days, I mourned the loss of my room back at The Royal House where it all started. I missed everything about it, from the freedom, to the sense of unknown. But most of all, I miss, sitting with my laptop by the table, starring out across the foyer into the dark blue depths of the night, where I am accompanied only by the soft whirling of the night zephyr blending with that from my cold, dry, air conditioning.

It's all gone now, I made the decision to give it up as I made the decision to give my heart to a man whose past I wasn't sure I could live with. Then again, something must have made me choose this path, and it sure as hell wasn't the practical, economic reasons that I had been propogating, it was because I sincerely wanted to give this relationship a shot.

These days, it's hard to find a man, who truly loves you. Harder yet to find someone that won't cheat on you, as my summer forays and insights would tell you so I really cannot ask for more. So the past, whether or not I was already in the picture, will be forgotten, for the only moments that really count are those that came after he took my hand and said, "Do we have a deal?"

For now, I will endeavour to see everything before that as free game, a clean slate, well, God knows I haven't exactly been the saint that I made myself out to be anyway, so to be fair I can't gripe. I just want to complain because I am woman, hear me roar.

Alas, I think I've dawdled long enough on this issue and I feel the effects on my body. The sleepless nights, the dark rings and gasp, I spy little wrinkles forming or so I've been told but that's alright, because there is a man out there who would love me, wrinkles or otherwise, or so I've been told, again.

I will not say, that there isn't a part of me that wants to run free in the lush green wilderness of the forest of singlehood, and the sense of restlessness in me seems to point to that. And yet, I sit here still because I know that the restlessness comes, not from wanting to taste the forbidden but rather because I feel like a big fish in a small pond.

I have, a lot to be grateful for, which at this moment, I'm counting my blessings and saying my thankyous to the man above for, but I also know that I'm capable of more. I haven't been the luckiest, nor the most blessed, but this time, I think I'm tired of being just lightly better than mediocre, I want to shine and I'd do everything in my power to achieve that.

Well my darlings, I wish I was more coherent and eloquent like all the other people that I tend to rub shoulders with but I'm not. For tonight, I will allow myself to be crass and frank for it is the only way I can face up to the demons lurking behind my closet door. When I wake up, things will be different, if only because I have decided that they will be different. Who knows, the star out there, trying its best to shine so bright, might just be shining for me.

I await, with bated breath whatever the future holds, for some unfathomable reason, I have a feeling it will be a good one.

Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

time

I hardly write on this blog anymore. There are various reasons for that of course, the first being that I write for a living and have no inclination to write anymore when I get home but primarily, I think, it's because I have nothing to say but today, it seems, I do.

---
When I was in school, I could hardly imagine my life being out in the working world. Though equipped with the knowledge of what I was going to do, it still seemed so surreal. Now, however, that I'm working, I can hardly imagine what it was like to be in school anymore and it all seems so far away.

Sometimes I look at my friends and how things are so different now as the years have gone by and all I can say is, my my, so much has changed.

There are times when I look at myself today and I think, when was the turning point?

Drunken ramblings

There was a guy passed out on the floor near the club I was necking red wine at.
And I started to wonder: whst is the point of getting drunk to begin with.
Then I realized, the key is not whether you are drunk or not but rather the idea that you can forget just for 5 minutes that you are , unfortunately living on this earth. And this is necessary for survival. Sad isn't it?

girls like us

Have had an impressive number of conversations with girls I was at RJ and what being 'girls like us' entail.

Girls like us, who have gone to the right schools, got the right grades and know that because we have, inside us an innate sense of ennui, can never really stay at one place long enough to be happy.

And then we lament on how we dig our own graves because when we move - because we can - we always make the same mistakes of creating ties and then having to face leaving loved ones behind.

But we shed a tear, and move on anyways, because that's all girls like us know how to do.

last year at this time i was ready to leave singapore for london.
thi year at this time, i'm not ready to leave london for singapore.

on another note, i always thought of "mad" as something that was ours - down to that icon we had on our phones. it seems slightly odd that it's been re-used in some senses, even if her name does start with m.

My fellow indentured journalist: Babe, sekali you come back, find a Singaporean guy and then you will stay here and become a housewife.

Me: Give me some credit, at the very least I'll be a tai tai.

MFIJ: What if u find a poor manwho drives a lao pok car and lives in 3 room hdb, got 2 aged parents for you to care for?

Me: Ok now you're pushing it. If I go back it will be doctor, lawyer or at least Indian Chief."

I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't taken the year off to come to London. Would my life have been much easier? Would I have had simpler decisions to make?

Say I arrived in London 4 years later after serving my bond, would I be stuck in the same situation I find myself in?

Would I even have come to London if I had waited 4 years to do my Masters? Would I even have made it out of Singapore at all?

Questions that I cannot answer and questions I probably shouldn't be asking because it's all for nothing and asking these questions can't make my present predicament go away.

But I do wonder, largely because I'm scared - of myself, what I'm capable of and what I'm willing to give up.

However, what scares me the most, is the idea that I'm the only one that's scared because I am, very very scared of my impending future.